Thoughts

As Obi-Wan would say… Hello there! (Yes a Star Wars fan, not a “Star Wars FAN”, but yeah) Well, as the title implies, this blog is going to be about my thoughts, the thoughts of an ordinary Trans Woman. So let’s get a couple of things straight right away first, or maybe more than a couple. First, who am I? Well I will not go into a lot of detail about me at this very moment, but perhaps I’ll share a little more with each post. But for now, I’m Blanca Alfani, a graphic designer and I identify as a Trans Woman but I haven’t made any kind of transition, social, legal or medical. I live full-time as my male self and Blanca expresses fully at home every once in awhile. What I mean is she finds her way out even when presenting as male. I underdress all the time, there has been only cute panties in my drawer for years now, along with other items such as bralettes or pantyhose’s I sleep in nightgowns and wear women footwear at home. I even wear a very light layer of makeup daily. But a full femme transformation is sparse. I suppose you could say I fit more into the Gender Fluid or Crossdresser label, but since I don’t think a label defines who I am, then I am Trans and that’s that. I’m in relative peace with my two identities, still working though on finding the balance between them.

Secondly I want to address the fact that I don’t like to use the term “Trans Woman” adding the “Trans” identifier seems to me like having to warn before hand “Hey I’m no regular woman, I’m a TRANS Woman. I mean who cares? Don’t get me wrong, I understand the multiple reasons why would be “appropriate” or common to use it, I also understand that me identifying as a female doesn’t make me a “real woman” whatever that means or a biologically correct woman, and I sure don’t look like one either. I’m a very masculine looking woman when in femme (although the right pose and a little bit of photoshop skills work wonders), so there would or should be no mistake, no way in hell on being considered a cis woman by anyone, so, do I really need to point out the obvious? Ok I don’t go out of my house in femme either, but if I did, there would be no mistake, trust me. So for this time and since this is a written introduction, I don’t want to miss lead anyone into thinking I’m a cis woman, so I pointed the obvious. There, point addressed.

Next, what is a graphic designer doing writing a blog or why is that even relevant? Well I’m glad you asked and is quite an interesting story, or so I think, so bear with me. Of course there is nothing inherently wrong with that, I’m not saying that because you are a Designer, a Doctor, a truck driver or have any profession you can’t write a blog or a book if your heart desires, unless you are a professional writer or journalist to do so. What I’m saying is that writing well requires a certain skill level that I’m not so sure I possess in order to make whatever I write about interesting or enjoyable to the reader. My skills are in a different drawer.

Back in 2025 I came across a wonderful website, one that made a huge impact on me and run by an amazing, amazing woman, Hannah McKnight (www.hannahmcknight.org) if you don’t know who she is, have you been living under a rock or something? Ok I get you, she has been blogging since at least 2015 or maybe earlier and I just came across her site last year too, gosh. So if you don’t know her, don’t waste any more time and go visit her website, you won’t regret it I promise. A wonderful human being dedicated to help other women like myself (that’s not all she does though, she has a day job too, kinda like a Superman/Kent thing. So don’t rush over there expecting her to solve all your issues). I’m totally underselling her so really, go check her out and see for yourself all the amazing things she does and how amazing she is. Although on the other hand, there’s a pretty good chance you arrived here through her website, so you already know exactly what I’m talking about.

So where was I? Oh! I should also mention that this is very common on me. I ramble a lot, and when expressing myself, sometimes a thought takes me to another one and so on and I get off rails or I repeat myself frequently too. So you’ll see this happening a lot in my narrative, I apologize.

After finding Hannah’s website and getting to know her a little bit through her posts, I built the courage to get in touch with her and write her an email. I was nervous!. It was the first time I was going to do something like that, so I didn’t know if she would reply or even read my message at all. Oh! by the way, did I mention I just came out about 5 years ago? Of course I didn’t. So for my entire life, Blanca has been in the back seat patiently (and often times not so patiently) waiting for her time. So she had no Trans friends, no support groups, no nothing. Her existence, her interests all concealed and tucked away under the predominant male identity she shares a body with. So when her time finally came, she started exploring and informing herself. I mean I did a little bit before, but it had to be in very small amounts and very secretive, couldn’t do much to avoid being outed. Besides, I’m from a generation that didn’t have internet growing up, so, yeah, if you're over 40, you probably know how that was.

Anyway, see what I mean, I keep getting off track. To the point Blanca come on. Ok, so to my surprise she did respond. I was in awe. Imagine a celebrity, whichever one is your favorite, Charlize Theron? Julia Roberts?, Natalie Portman?, you name it, and writing her (or him if you rather fancy a male celebrity) an email. You know they must get tons of emails, fan letters, social media comments, etc. Do they really read them all? Are they even aware of them or even interested at all. You know your chances are slim right?, so when I saw an email in my inbox from Hannah I was speechless, she had taken the time to read my ridiculously long email and write me back a lovely and supportive response. I knew right then what a kind person she is.

I’m very fortunate to be considered her friend, I obviously consider her my friend too, my role model, my mentor, my Qui-Gon (since I started this post as obi-wan, get it?) and she is, officially Blanca’s first and only friend till this day. Note that I said Blanca’s, is not like I am a lonely segregated soul, at the bottom of a deep pit. So you can imagine how much Hannah and her friendship means to me. And before you let your mind wander into the gutter, I want to also make clear that she is happily married and so am I, both to amazingly supportive wives and both with cero interest in men or anyone else for that matter. So I’m taking here about a genuine friendship. I just have a ton of admiration for her, I see her like my older sister and I the slightly younger and annoying one she wishes she didn’t have to deal with so often lol.

So I believe our friendship has strengthened lately and in that process I have also done a few designs for her and her site (see it was a relevant piece of information, just took me a while to get there). Usually I would write her an email about my thoughts on her most recent blog and we will exchange opinions back and forward or have brief conversations. And as it turns out, it was in one of those recent exchanges that she suggested I should consider writing a blog. For me that came out of the pink ;), it caught me by surprise. If she would’ve suggested me doing another design or something like that, well, sure, but suggesting I write a blog? Don’t get me wrong, I considered her comment a beautiful compliment, could it really be that I have a hidden talent? 

So what I’m basically saying is that all this is her fault, the end... lol!

Ok no, of course that’s not what I’m saying (entirely ;) She planted the idea in my head, why? I dunno. Like I said before I’m a designer, not a writer, stay on your lane lady, right? Well, should I really just stay on my lane? Hannah saw something in my writing, what? I dunno, but since I respect her opinion and I think she writes amazingly, well, she might be seeing something I’m not, right? Like what would you do if Jane Austen (if you lived in the 18th century) told you “have you considered writing a novel?” You would give it a try won’t you?. So would it hurt then to tip my toes and see what happens? I guess I’m about to find out.

That brings us to this very moment in time and to all this you’ve being reading, granted you made it this far and not sprinted away after the “As Obi-Wan would say….”. This is what I’ll write about here, my thoughts, Blanca doesn’t have an interesting life out in the real world to share, I don’t have a group of gender non conforming friends (except from Hannah, my group of one), heck I don’t even have a whole lot of experience being trans myself. So all I can offer for now to whoever is interested, are my thoughts. 

Every day early in the morning I go for a walk and during that period a bunch of Blanca’s thoughts roam free in my mind. they could be about her dreams, or about the Hannah article I just read that morning and how it relates to my own life, it could be about my own process and wishful thinking or as in this last week, about how I was going to start blogging. A lot of “what ifs” try to make their way in too… what if I do hormones?, what if I do this or that?, what if my life was this way or that way? What if one day someone invents a device that transforms the human body at will with a push of a button?

I analyze my own thoughts and my life, I carry an inner dialogue with myself, my two sides come to agreements on the life and body they share and I think that maybe, just maybe, I could blog about some of that. Cause I really don’t know what else I could write about and believe me I thought about it a lot. Maybe a little egotistical you may say, and you might be right you know.

I’m sorry if you came here looking for some sort of advice, fashion or activism in the t-girl world, that’s not my field of expertise, again, go check out Hannah’s blog (www.hannahmcknight.org), that’s her thing and she does it amazingly well, you’ll find all that and more over there.

No, this blog, again at least for now, (it could get better in the future who knows) will be about what goes around inside my head, kind of like a personal diary. I’ll at least try to make it as entertaining as I can. I guess that's like asking an accountant to bake a beautiful wedding cake (probably there are very talented accountants out there with that ability though), but I’ll give a try.

If that’s something you might be interested in reading about, well, welcome to my blog, hopefully if I don’t get you bored, or you don’t get anything useful out of my ramblings, at least you would have spent a few minutes of your life in a more or less entertaining way. And if not, well, blame Hannah for encouraging me on this crazy idea lol!. Actually no, you know what, blame’s on you for still being here, you should’ve left like half an hour ago. For the rest of you, I’m almost done, hang in there.

Let me know what you think, should I stop and have this be my first and last post or should I continue? As Maximums Decimus Meridius said… Are you not entertained? (Yeah I love movies, go figure) I know I’m leaving a lot out, but hey, I need something to write about next if I am to continue.

As for how often I’ll be posting? I dunno. Since this is something totally new for me I might start slow, maybe once a week every Friday? or twice with a lot of effort. As I get the hang of it eventually I might increase the rate, we’ll see. Oh! And one more thing (taken this time from Steve Jobs) I don’t mean to offend or insult anyone. Sometimes sentences can be taken out of context or interpreted in a negative manner or maybe I simply didn’t explain myself properly. Know that I’m not writing to pick a fight or offend anyone, if that somehow happens it is totally unintentional. So I also ask for respect back on your comments if you decide to leave me one. Comments are welcome but they will be moderated cause I don’t need negativity my life quite frankly nor I want hateful comments wasting my time deleting them, so if that’s all you have to share, please go share it somewhere else.

Thank you for your time. Finally, the end… or will it be?

Blanca