Fear

Not long ago, I saw a YouTube video of Will Smith sharing a life lesson apparently his grandmother taught him: "God placed the best things in life on the other side of fear." Wow. I don’t know who originally coined that phrase, but I found it profoundly beautiful, not to mention incredibly true.

When I was a child, I was absolutely terrified of roller coasters. They looked like so much fun, but I just couldn’t summon the courage to actually get on one. Every fair, every theme park I visited, roller coasters were strictly off the list.

It wasn't until I turned 20 that everything changed. I was at a theme park when, out of nowhere, a sudden burst of excitement and courage completely took hold of me. Before I knew it, I was strapping into the smallest roller coaster there, the one meant for kids, lol!.

For years, I had been petrified of doing something that turned out to be an absolute blast. I rode it three more times before moving up to the midsized one. Baby steps, right? I wasn't about to run straight for the biggest coaster just yet; I was having fun, but I wasn't crazy.

For quite some time after that day, I felt a lingering regret over all the missed opportunities. I could have been having that much fun all those years ago. Why did I wait so long?

Well, having to come out to my wife as trans was another one of those moments where I found myself entirely paralyzed by fear. I’m not proud at all of the way I came out to her. It took me more than fifteen years to find the courage, and even when the day finally arrived, it took me all afternoon and practically all night to try and find the "right" words. Spoiler… I didn’t.

By the time it was close to 2:00 AM, she was sleeping soundly, and that's when I had the absolute stupidest idea. I figured I could whisper my truth to her and gamble on two possible outcomes: either she would wake up confused but openminded enough to talk about it in the morning, or she would wake up angry, wanting to know what the heck I was talking about, and I'd just say, "I don’t know, you must have been having a bad dream."

I know, I know. I told you, it was the stupidest idea. The worst part is that I actually went through with it. Shame on me! Luckily, I am blessed with an amazing, understanding wife, and I got the positive reaction. Well, a mix of both, really, but mostly positive lol!.

Of course, coming out was on a completely different level of terror than riding a roller coaster or any other fear I had ever experienced. But the point is, I faced it, and something genuinely beautiful was waiting for me on the other side.

If I hadn’t overcome that fear, even in the terrible way that I did, Blanca would still be suppressed and miserable today. It hasn’t been all smooth sailing since then, but my life and my mental health have gotten exponentially better.

If I regret anything, it’s simply not doing it years ago, much like my delay with the roller coaster. Blanca could have benefited from my youth in so many ways. But I already mentioned those infamous "what-ifs" that love to mess with my mind, so I try not to give them too much thought.

We all have our fears. It could be a fear of bugs, a fear of the ocean, a fear of jumping out of an airplane, or the fear of coming out to your spouse. Some fears might seem smaller or easier to overcome than others, and some will naturally take a lot more time. But I truly believe facing them is always worth the effort. There is undeniably something wonderful waiting on the other side of fear, even if, at the very beginning, it doesn't quite look that way.