To hormonize, or not hormonize, that is the question.

One of the most recurring thoughts in my head is, without a doubt, hormones. Before I dive into this delicate subject, I want to make it perfectly clear again that I am not a doctor. I have zero medical knowledge other than knowing how to apply a Band-Aid over a paper cut. I am in no way telling you that you should or should not take hormones; I am simply expressing the thoughts born out of my own ignorance. I will most likely get some facts wrong or talk pure nonsense, so please do not take my words as medical or psychological advice of any kind.

Okay, having said that, let’s dive in. On the surface, hormones seem like that magical solution we see in fantasy stories. One pill, and we would be instantly transformed into the amazingly stunning woman we have dreamed of all our lives. In a way, I guess you could say they are kind of magical. Obviously, it doesn't happen with just one pill or injection, but hormones do eventually transform your body. Want breasts? Hormones give you breasts. Want hips? Hormones give you hips. Fat redistribution, softer skin, longer and fuller hair? No problem.

What’s even more amazing is that we get all of that “naturally.” Everything you develop and every change you experience comes directly from your own body, muscles, and fat. There is no need for complex, risky, or expensive surgeries. There are no implants our bodies might reject, no incisions that could develop infections or leave scars, and no intense recovery time or follow-up procedures. And as if all that wasn't enough, some of the changes we experience are completely reversible if, for any reason, we were to change our minds. By contrast, reversing a surgery requires another surgery, and even then, it won't ever leave things exactly as they were before.

So, what’s the hold-up? What else is there to think about? Bring on the pill, the shot, the patch, or the body lotion, and let the dream become a reality, right? Well, unfortunately, it’s not that simple. A lot of things can also go wrong with hormones. We could end up cutting this life shorter than expected if they aren't administered correctly, or if our bodies have an adverse reaction to them.

Sure, you could argue that's why we go to a good, certified endocrinologist. And yes, we absolutely should, but that still doesn’t guarantee anything. We see all those beautiful, immensely happy trans girls online sharing their amazing transformations after just a few months on HRT, and inevitably we think, If it worked for them, why wouldn’t it work for me?

Chances are, things could work out perfectly, just like they did for them, and before we know it, we’d be living our dream femme lives. But every coin has two sides. Messing around with our bodies, whether through surgery or HRT, is no joke. If hormones change our bodies on the outside, what else are they changing on the inside? We have male organs that were formed by testosterone and rely on it to function correctly. How will low levels of testosterone affect our organs in the long run? In the end, we are basically flipping a coin. If our chances are 50-50, do we really want to risk it?

I guess my own dysphoria is either not that intense, or perhaps I have lived so long hiding this part of myself, to the point where I seriously thought I would die without ever being able to express my true self, that I learned to accept both sides of who I am. Because of that, a transition seems like something worth analyzing extensively before making a life changing decision.

But for others, transitioning might literally be a life or death situation. They might be completely miserable living as they are, needing to address their dysphoria one way or another, meaning they can’t afford to spend years over analyzing every possible outcome. For them, the risks are entirely worth it. If you aren't single, there is another layer to consider, how is the decision to proceed with HRT going to impact, affect, or harm the people around us?

In my case, it’s my wife. I don’t want to cause any harm, pain, stress, or suffering to her. I’ve been fortunate enough to be a relatively healthy person up to this point in my life. Do I really want to risk that now? Do I want to cause my wife that kind of distress? If things don’t go according to plan, will I be able to live with myself and forgive what I've done to my health or to the life of my loved ones?

Furthermore, as I mentioned, HRT doesn’t come with any warranties, even if everything works flawlessly. That magical, flawless transformation we might expect won't necessarily happen. I’m not a teenager anymore. HRT won’t change my bone structure; it won’t undo whatever masculine features testosterone has irremediably established.

Sure, it might soften some of those features a little, but it won’t get rid of them entirely. I won’t suddenly become younger, I won’t automatically get a body to die for, and I most definitely won’t end up with a face like Jennifer Connelly's. To get anywhere close to that, I would still need a massive amount of work, money, surgeries, exercise, time, and much, much more. Oh, and hormones are for life. Unless you want to detransition, you have to be prepared to commit to it for as long as you live.

Like I said, this is a thought that circles through my head constantly, and I always arrive at the exact same question. Maybe I’m being overly catastrophic. Maybe it doesn’t have to be entirely good or bad, right or wrong. Maybe there is a sweet spot right in the middle, or maybe, as I said at the beginning, I’m totally wrong and just overthinking nonsense.

But there is no denying that every road we take and every decision we make has its pros and cons, its risks and rewards. So... to hormonize, or not to hormonize?