My perspective

My friend Hannah recently wrote, as she usually does, an incredibly interesting article titled “Private Pride”. It’s a good article, something she has masterfully perfected, no doubt, but it’s particularly fascinating because she manages to tackle three or four different, complex issues and merge them into one cohesive narrative. Check it out if you haven't already.

It never ceases to amaze me how two (or more) individuals, living completely different lives in different corners of the world, can still share something so profoundly in common. And I’m not talking about something simple, like, "I love M&M’s, how amazing is it that somebody in Australia also likes M&M's!" No, I’m talking about those deep, specific connections that make you stop and go, Wow!.

To stick with the M&M’s example for a moment, there’s nothing remarkable about finding someone else who enjoys them; millions of people do. But maybe you are one of those people who meticulously categorizes them by color before eating them (guilty as charged). Finding someone else who does that starts to feel a bit more interesting. And what about eating them color by color to maintain perfectly even numbers, or finishing an entire color group before allowing yourself to move on to the next? (Guilty of that, too!) Finding someone who operates on that exact same wavelength, or thinks in that very specific way, gives you an instant feeling of belonging, almost as if you were raised together or something.

That obviously applies to us trans as well. A lot of people crossdress or identify as trans, so nowadays, simply running into someone who shares your gender identity isn't all that rare. But once you start getting down into the exact specifics, the circle of people you truly align with becomes smaller and smaller, until you finally hit that "wow" factor.

That’s pretty much how I felt when I met my friend Hannah. Sure, there are huge differences between the two of us. Most notably, she has a femme life that she expresses freely modeling or going out frequently and I don’t for example. But we also share striking similarities, particularly in her views on certain issues and her lived experiences as a trans woman.

For instance, one of the topics she explores in her aforementioned article is her choice not to subject her wife to public scrutiny by coming out fully to everyone in her life. As I read those words, it felt as though she were describing my exact ideology.

Her thoughts are 100% relatable to me. The only thing keeping me from living my life completely out in the open is my wife. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not putting the blame on her at all. She isn't stopping me from being myself per se; in fact, she is incredibly supportive and loving. But I refuse to bring unnecessary and unpleasant consequences down on her just so I can enjoy myself freely.

That would be selfish and cruel on my part. She has no reason to face questions about her spouse's gender identity, nor should she have to endure judgment, insults, or worse, safety risks. I never want her to be somewhere and notice people whispering behind her back, or have someone say something nasty straight to her face. She doesn’t deserve that, and it is up to me, and no one else, to protect her from it. It is my responsibility.

I am happy as I am. I guess someone could argue that I might not be 100% happy, but really, do I need to be 100% happy? Is it even possible to reach absolute perfection in happiness? How much happier would I really be if I came out to the entire world? And is that new level of personal satisfaction worth reducing hers?

I truly believe that in a marriage, every major action or decision should be made so that both partners can grow together, remain equally happy together, and strengthen their bond. It shouldn't be about maximizing your own happiness by sacrificing your partner's peace of mind. If you're going to do that, you'd be better off on your own.

Now, the other issue Hannah brings up, and I’ll try to be brief here so this post doesn't run too long, is how she feels gay and lesbian people have it a bit easier than us trans nowadays when it comes to stepping out of the closet.

It’s no secret that tensions have existed between certain factions of the LGB and T communities for, well, forever. They have their ideas, we have ours, and there will likely always be ideological clashes and differing philosophies regarding gender roles. I have gay relatives who don’t know I identify as trans, and I have personally witnessed them referring to trans people with a certain disdain. I’m certainly not saying this is a universal truth or that every gay person feels this way, but if we're being honest, there is even historical tension between gays and lesbians. So, it happens.

I fully acknowledge that gay and lesbian individuals have been fighting tirelessly for their rights for a very long time, and they have rightfully earned the level of acceptance they enjoy today. But I think, and again, this is just my perspective, that society might accept someone coming out as gay or lesbian a bit more readily because it feels less disruptive to the status quo. Gay men still use the men’s restroom, lesbians still use the women’s restroom, and both groups are simply interested in partners of the same sex. It feels straightforward to the general public right?.

In contrast, us trans are often viewed by society as a disruption a threat, as if we are trying to displace or appropriate a role that critics believe doesn't belong to us. The infamous bathroom debate is living proof. A trans woman using a women's restroom is instantly treated as a threat, becoming a massive talking point that makes waves in international news.

So yes, I agree that gay and lesbian people often have it "easier" in that specific sense. I’m certainly not saying their lives are easy or devoid of hardship, but when it comes down to simply expressing their true selves in public, they are often met with much more acceptance and facing far less pressure or judgement than we do.