Wrong body?

One phrase I come across a lot online from other people like myself with gender dysphoria is the affirmation: “I was born in the wrong body.” Well, have we? What exactly would the “right” body be? I mean I’m not judging or saying they're wrong. That is their own perspective, and I know exactly what they are trying to express. But is it really a wrong body though?

Personally, I never thought of myself as being born in the wrong body. I just knew I wanted to be a girl, dress like a girl, and live and experience life as a girl. But I never paused to think my actual physical form was a mistake. I guess that’s because, up until a certain age, there really isn't much difference between the bodies of young boys and girls anyway.

The main difference is just in how grown-ups dress them, but you could dress a little boy in girls' clothes and he will look like a girl, or you could dress a girl in boys' clothes and she’ll look like a boy (of course, results may vary!). I only really started thinking about the concept of a “wrong body” once I began reading other people writing about it online.

When I ponder it now, I look at it from two different angles. First, there's the spiritual perspective: Is reincarnation real? Could it be that we were female in a past life? Just like we might see a five year old child who is a piano prodigy and think that’s an old soul, are we simply the old souls of women reincarnated? Then, there’s the scientific angle. As I’ve established before, I’m no doctor and I have no medical background, so I might just be rambling, but this is what goes on in my head, and I also established that’s what this blog is all about so...

From what I’ve read, there are different theories regarding how biological sex develops. One implies that we all technically start as female, which is why we develop nipples, among other things, before the Y chromosome comes along and starts ruining everything for us. Another theory says that's completely incorrect. So, who really knows right? If even the experts can't reach a consensus. But how do you explain gender dysphoria? How do you explain intersex bodies? What happens during early development that causes a brain to form with a female identity while the body develops as male, or vice versa?

So, is it a wrong body, or a wrong brain? Or is it actually neither? I don’t like my body; that is an undeniable fact. I wish it had curves. I wish it looked a lot more feminine. During my teen years of confusion and denial, I lifted weights and built a broad, muscular upper body. I foolishly thought that the more masculine I became, the faster I would rid myself of these thoughts of wanting to be a girl. Young and dumb, I know.

Today, I regret that enormously because it doesn’t help at all with the feminine figure I desire. But even so, I still don't look at it as a "wrong" body. This body, after all, has carried me to where I am today. It has given me everything I have and every experience I've lived. It has also been a relatively healthy body, even during the times I didn't treat it the way I should have.

Since coming out, now that I finally have a chance at life as Blanca, I take much better care of my body. I eat better, I walk every morning, and I’ve even started a skincare routine. Before, I was practically in self destruct mode because I didn’t like my body and so I didn’t care what happened to it. My legs are full of scars (something I also regret immensely now), and I never used lotions or moisturizers. Nothing. From my perspective back then, it was a man’s body, and as far as I knew, it was never going to be Blanca’s body, even though she was trapped inside. Now, it’s a shared body, and she deserves one that is adequately cared for.

I think we all dislike something about our appearance our bodies or personality. "I’m too short, I wish I was taller. I’m a little overweight, I wish I was thinner. I’m blonde, I wish I was brunette. My eyes are blue, I wish they were green". Does all of that mean we are in the wrong bodies? I think it just means we humans are rarely satisfied with how we look. We always wish we looked like ________ (insert your preference). We wish we could dress like ________.

So again, is it a wrong body or a wrong mind? I think it’s more of a wrong mindset. We need to learn to accept ourselves more. Trust me, I know it is incredibly difficult, but I try to remind myself of that often. Besides, if you wish you were taller, a nice pair of heels can give you those extra inches. Wish you were thinner? You can exercise more or use shapewear (it won't work miracles, but it helps!). Wish you were brunette? There are hair dyes and wigs. Want green eyes instead? There are colored contacts. Want to dress like Lady Gaga? Go for it! You don't need the "right" body for that, you just need the right attitude.