Lost (Part 2)

Okay, so this is the second and final part. If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, definitely check that out first so you're all caught up! If you already have, let’s continue.

Being able to understand and relate to girls on a much deeper level than other boys meant that I naturally had far more girl friends than guy friends. Unfortunately, though, I think that very same sensitivity also prevented me from having a romantic girlfriend for a long time. Most girls at that young age were drawn to the "tough kid," the athlete, or the popular guy, not the sensitive kid who genuinely enjoyed their company and sat with them to listen to their problems. Thankfully, that dynamic changes later in life (in some cases).

It wasn't until college, when I finally gained regular access to the internet, that the world truly opened up to me. For the very first time, I realized I wasn’t alone. I was finally finding people who shared my exact struggles, and it was then that I learned the first two terms used to describe people like myself: crossdresser and shemale. (The term transexual came a little bit later).

Because I didn’t have female anatomy, I definitely didn’t fit into the shemale category, though a part of me deeply wished I did. They had beautiful feminine bodies, gorgeous curves, and breasts, but they also had male genitalia. How was that even possible? At the time, I knew absolutely nothing about hormones or gender affirming surgeries, but I wanted to be like them in so many ways.

Were they just born that way? Were they actually gay boys who were lucky enough to grow up looking like that? Or were they girls who just happened to be born with male anatomy? Looking back, I know it sounds incredibly naive and simple minded, but I truly had no idea. I spent my college years researching everything I possibly could. Every single day after classes, I would jump online. Having unlimited access was great, so I would surf the web for hours, going to bed late into the night.

Inevitably, my research left me with the term crossdresser. It made logical sense; after all, I had been secretly trying on a few things out of my mother’s and sister’s closets whenever I had the chance years before. The term was straightforward, and I didn’t need to have a female body to "qualify". So, for a long time, I settled on identifying as a crossdresser, but truth be told, I never really liked the word or the connotations attached to it. Not that there is anything wrong with identifying that way, of course, I just didn't feel entirely confortable identifying as one.

The word just never felt quite right for me. I wasn’t interested in wearing women’s clothes or looking like a girl for a thrill, or as a fetish. It wasn’t a sexual thing at all, and back then, that was exactly what society associated with crossdressing.

Later on, terms like shemale and transexual began to drop out of common use, and new vocabulary was introduced alongside the medical term "gender dysphoria." That one felt perfect. Suddenly, I didn’t feel the immense pressure to force myself into a specific, restrictive box; I was just someone dealing with gender dysphoria. Eventually, I gravitated toward trans, trans girl, or transgender. But again, every person I found online who identified that way had either already transitioned or was actively in the process. It made me wonder if I could really use that term for myself, do I fit into this group if I haven’t transitioned or planning to?

Nowadays, there are so many terms that I can’t even keep track of them all or remember what each one means. For a brief moment, I even considered identifying as "gender fluid." I still have doubts every now and then about whether I’m identifying correctly, but then again, is it really necessary to belong to one specific, rigid group? Is it truly that important to be categorized? Maybe it would be better if we just dropped the boxes entirely. Why do we need so many labels? At the end of the day, let’s all just be humans.

Looking back, that’s what the world looked like to me when I was growing up. Today, I see a lot more awareness in parents. They are much more conscious and willing to help their children become their true selves as early in life as possible. That is truly awesome. I wish I had been given that same opportunity, to have had a professional orient and guide me, and to have had parents who supported an early transition. But none of that existed back then, so I had to navigate it the best I could.

I changed the title of this post about three times because I didn’t know what to call it, but I think “Lost” perfectly describes exactly how I felt for a very large portion of my life. Of course, I’m not implying that today I have everything figured out.

This is an incredibly complex journey, some girls might have a crystal clear vision from day one and stop at nothing to reach their destination, whether that means a full medical transition or not. Others walk a more winding path, constantly trying to balance their inner needs with the real world priorities of life.

I may not have had all the answers back then, and I might still be figuring out a lot today, but I am no longer wandering in the dark. The path forward might still be unclear, but I’m gradually finding my way.

Sorry to disappoint if you clicked on this post expecting a deep dive into the 2004 TV series starring Evangeline Lilly. Great first two seasons, the rest was a downward spiral, and let’s not even talk about the series finale ;)