Letdowns

In a previous post, I wrote about expectations. Specifically, the kind we have about how our partners are going to react after we come out to them, how we are going to navigate the aftermath, or how our day to day lives will change.

This time, though, I want to talk about a different set of expectations, the ones we hold for ourselves. Or, at least, the highly unrealistic ones I had about how my own femininity was going to effortlessly unfold, and the immediate, crushing letdowns I suffered along the way. Hence the title of this post (couldn’t repeat expectations ;)

My entire life, I daydreamed about being able to live as my true self. In my mind, I pictured myself looking like the beautiful cis women I saw on the street, or as stunning as the gorgeous trans women I eventually found on the internet. You know the ones where you have to take a second look and think, Wow, was she really assigned male at birth?

I spent years wishing I could dress up, put on makeup, throw on a pair of high heels, and casually strut around. In my naive little head, I genuinely believed the only thing holding me back from achieving that level of glamour was the simple fact that I was keeping Blanca as a safeguarded secret from the world.

Well, when I finally came out, to my wife at least, the secret was gone. In theory, I didn’t have to keep hiding anything from her anymore, so there was nothing stopping me from bringing my true self to life, right?

Blanca was finally going to see the light of day, and all those glamorous dreams were just a few online shopping clicks away. First, of course, I had to buy her everything she needed. I didn’t own makeup, clothes, lingerie, shoes, wigs, nothing.

Now, there is a common transition expectation that probably belonged in my previous post, the dream of sharing clothes with your partner. Doesn’t it sound incredibly romantic? You and your wife buying clothes together, or getting ready together, browsing the same closet. "Oh, I love that dress you wore the other day sweetheart, can I borrow it today?" Or, "Here, use my white heels, they’ll look much better with that skirt you’re wearing".

Yeah, it sounds lovely. Unfortunately, that rarely happens. And in my case, even if my wife had been thrilled by the idea, she is quite a few sizes smaller than me. She wears shoes three sizes down from mine. So, no. None of her stuff fits me, and obviously, none of my stuff fits her. So much for that fantasy.

So, I did some serious online and in person shopping, and I was finally ready to glow in all my feminine glory.

Yeah... right. Let the letdowns begin!.

Never in my life had I applied makeup. Of course, I’ve seen women do it, I’ve watched my wife apply it, and I’ve seen a thousand video tutorials. How hard could it really be? Well, A LOOOOT!.

Girl, the first time I finished, I looked absolutely nothing like the beautiful woman who had been living in my head all those years. Where was she? 

To make matters worse, I have hooded eyes, which require a very specific makeup technique. I had no clue back then. My eyes didn’t look adorably feminine, not even with the long fake lashes glued on. And let me tell you, there’s nothing harder than to apply a good eye makeup.

The emotional blow was devastating. I spent months feeling deeply depressed because I couldn’t find Blanca’s face in the mirror despite my absolute best efforts. I even started looking into in person makeup courses, but I couldn’t find one that fit my schedule. Plus, I kept thinking, Wouldn't it be incredibly weird for all those young girls trying to start their beauty careers to be practicing with an older guy also attending their makeup course? Or what if any of them filter a picture into their social media?

I mean, I can probably overcome that minor awkward inconvenience, but the timing just never worked out. I know there are tons of courses online, but that’s just like watching a YouTube tutorial. There’s really nothing like sitting in front of an instructor who can analyze your specific face shape and tell you exactly what to do for your unique features, instead of a general approach.

So, I was left with old fashioned practice. They say practice makes perfect, so I’ll keep practicing, hoping to someday arrive not at perfection, but at least at a point of acceptable results.

Then, there was the body. Do I really even need to get into that? Suffice it to say, I obviously did not find Blanca’s body hiding under everything I thought I needed to achieve it. I know male and female bodies are different, and I knew I wasn’t going to look hyper feminine just by slipping into a pretty dress.

That’s why I also bought shapewear. That’s what everyone on YouTube uses, right? That’s what drag queens go for. You just squeeze your squared body into one of those bad boys and BAM! Instant hourglass figure.

Well, once again... no. Another blow, another letdown. Shapewear is great don’t get me wrong, and on an already somewhat feminine body, it works wonders. But shapewear on a broad, masculine frame? Well, not so much. 

Obviously, results vary depending on body type, and it might work beautifully for some, but for me, it just didn't do the trick. I had to live it to learn it. Everything looked just so simple and easy in my mind.

I also decided to grow out my natural hair. I thought if I kept it long, I wouldn’t have to deal with the hassle of wigs, and I’d feel more like myself by taking care of my hair the way any other woman would. 

My hair did grow, but it wasn't the thick, luscious, full head of hair I had envisioned. I have a receding hairline, and my hair has always been naturally very thin. Add another letdown to the list.

My legs? full of scars from all those times I felt from my bicycle or skateboard doing tricks, or from playing sports, not to mention I was historically one of those who skipped leg day at the gym. My voice? Not a soft, melodic female register, but a deep, resonant male tone. So add a couple more letdowns.

Yes, my early attempts at female presentation felt like a total disaster. I spent months depressed, wondering if I was ever going to be able to accept myself as I actually was. I realized I needed to let go of this idealized, dream image of myself and accept the fact that I was never going to look like Sofía Vergara lol!

I had built up highly unrealistic expectations, so it was inevitable that reality was going to slap me in the face. It was time to start grounding myself on reality.

My wife was a crucial part of helping me ground myself during that dark phase. One day she looked at me and said, “No woman is ever truly satisfied with how she looks. It’s completely normal that you feel that way, you’re just being a woman.”

Lol! I hadn’t thought about it that way before, but she was entirely right. I have yet to meet a single woman who doesn’t want to change at least one thing about her appearance. If they have large breasts, they want smaller ones; if they have small breasts, they want a D-cup. I mean I could fill this entire blog with examples.

So, it turns out I AM a woman. Yes, I'm a woman with a less than a flattering body, a not so feminine face, and a not so soothing voice, among other things, but that is not the end of the world. A specific body type or physical characteristics is not what makes a woman, well… a woman. Her spirit, her mind, her heart, her feelings, her essence, all of that defines a woman so much more. I’m just another one of them, putting in the work and practicing to achieve my desired look. I may never look like a gorgeous model, but Blanca's heart and soul have been here all along... and that is what truly matters.