Finding Blanca

If I’m not mistaken I believe I’ve touched upon this before. The expectations we build around our feminine selves usually follow a very similar script. Most of us are intensely drawn to femininity, and naturally, we deeply desire to look and feel attractive as a woman.

But as the years rolled by after college, the likelihood of ever actually freeing Blanca seemed to shrink by the minute. And as the dream drifted further out of reach, the mental image I fabricated of my "possible" self became more unhinged and unrealistic.

It certainly didn’t help that since I started using photoshop I started slapping my face onto every single supermodel picture I could get my hands on. If I do say so myself, I became extremely good at face swapping. Before long, I had a big, hidden catalog of "me" rocking the bodies of Cindy Crawford, Miranda Kerr, Adriana Lima, you name it.

It is dangerously easy to look amazing and falsely believe you might actually look that gorgeous in real life when the only thing belonging to you in a spectacular female silhouette is your face. I knew logically that I would never actually look like a Victoria's Secret model. But in those files, I did. And since I believed I was never going to come out anyway, those digital creations became my only "reality."

Then like I also already mentioned, apps like Snapchat and FaceApp came out. Suddenly, face swapping wasn't even necessary anymore, it was instant, literal magic performed on your own body. Sadly, it was also just more fuel for an already deeply unrealistic expectation.

So, it’s really not hard to see why the very first time I actually sat down in front of a mirror to find Blanca, I was met with crushing disappointment and depression. The person staring back at me in the mirror wasn't her. No way. Blanca was supposed to be gorgeous, flawless, maybe even a little sexy. The reflection in the mirror couldn't have been further from that.

Suddenly, all those hours spent watching YouTube makeup tutorials felt like a monumental waste of time. No matter how effortless they made it look, my skills simply wouldn't do. My first attempt at blending foundation was a disaster, and let’s not even talk about the eyeshadow and eyeliner.

The eyes make or break a look entirely. Most of the magic of feminization happens when you get the eyes spot on. You could have a flawless base, but if the eyes are missed entirely, the illusion shatters. Conversely, you could wear barely any foundation at all, but if your eyes are perfectly framed and feminine, the look instantly works.

As it turns out, to this day, eyes are my biggest hurdle. I’d like to believe I’ve reached a point where I do a decent job blending my foundation and concealer, but the eyes remain my weakest point, made even more complicated by the fact that I have hooded eyes.

And then, there’s the wardrobe. I’ve spent a few bucks shopping online, since I still haven't gathered the courage to browse the women’s section in person by myself and walk into the dressing room with a bunch of dresses. Now, I don't know if this is just me, but after decades of suppression, I wasn't about to start buying gender neutral cardigans or highly conservative turtle necks.

Of course, I immediately went straight for the ultra girly girl, hyper feminine stuff, some of which was, admittedly, not entirely age appropriate. The down side of shopping online though is that not everything will fit right or look as expected, so frustration keeps piling up.

By now, you can probably see why the process of finding myself hasn't been simple nor easy. I still have a lot of techniques to master, and I’m still figuring out what my actual personal style is. Yes, I am getting older, but I also refuse to dress like a nun.

I might have started this process a little late in life, but I refuse to believe it's too late, step by step, I am putting in the work and gradually getting better at it. And I know that one of these days, when I look into that mirror, I won't see a disappointing reflection anymore, I’ll finally be looking right at Blanca as she was always meant to be.